


A Memory No One Can Steal

by Camelittle



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bleak, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Pain, Post-Canon, Terminal Illnesses, not much comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 20:12:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15670461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camelittle/pseuds/Camelittle
Summary: ...love. This, Merlin has learned about love. That it comes in many forms and all of them bring fleeting joy and eternal grief. That all the love in the world cannot heal a failing heart, however doughty. For, even as the old man’s hands swell, obscene fat caricatures of toes poke out from the ends of his ballooning feet. His lips, thin blue lines around the yellow toothed gap of his mouth, tremble and part to let out a breath that crackles. His time is near. Even though as a physician, Merlin has seen this hundreds of times before, this time he can hardly bear to watch. But watch he must. Love compels him to. So he murmurs soothing words, and rubs sweet oils on Gaius’s papery skin, but inwardly he cries out to the gods…





	A Memory No One Can Steal

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the "heart trouble / heart attack" square on my hurt/comfort bingo square.

_...love. This, Merlin has learned about love. That it comes in many forms and all of them bring fleeting joy and eternal grief. That all the love in the world cannot heal a failing heart, however doughty. For even as the old man’s hands swell, obscene fat caricatures of toes poke out from the ends of his ballooning feet. His lips, thin blue lines around the yellow toothed gap of his mouth, tremble and part to let out a breath that crackles. His time is near. Even though as a physician, Merlin has seen this hundreds of times before, this time he can hardly bear to watch. But watch he must. Love compels him to. So he murmurs soothing words, and rubs sweet oils on Gaius’s papery skin, but inwardly he cries out to the gods…_

Gaius’s hand flutters across his chest. Pain tugs down the corners of his mouth.

“More poppyseed,” he whispers.

Merlin nods, though they both know that it will hasten the end.

“I am sorry. You have lost too much, dear boy,” says Gaius, and his voice is a bare wheeze against Merlin’s hand.

"You, of all people, have nothing to apologise to me for." 

_... gods. This, Merlin has learned of the gods. That while they may listen, none act as asked. Once, Merlin would have bargained with the gods to spare a life such as this. Would have begged that they take his, instead. But he knows better, now. The one thing that is inevitable in life, at least for most humans, is the mercy of death..._

Some seek the truth, others deny it. Merlin no longer tries to do either. Instead, he mops at the dews of sweat that gather on Gaius’s lined forehead, before propping him up and offering a spoon to his lips.

But Gaius closes his mouth, and turns his head. “Wait. Before my heart finally fails, you must promise me something.” His bare whisper is almost too low for Merlin to hear.

“Whatever you wish, dear friend,” says Merlin, making his voice as strong and firm as he can to hide the splintering of his own heart.

“Never…” A spasm wracks Gaius’s chest, and he grimaces, coughing weakly. “Never… never lose...”

Merlin lowers the spoon and waits.

_...death. What can an immortal know of death? Too much, it seems. Of his many bitter lessons, one is that when the gods decide to take a life, no matter how beloved, no power on earth can stop them. The more he rails against the grim necessity of fate, the more its inexorable grip tightens. No one can escape their destiny..._

“Never... never lose the ability to love,” Gaius finally manages to finish the sentence, and rests his head back on the pillow, eyes closing from the effort of speaking.

Merlin swallows. “You ask much.”

Gaius’s eyes flicker open again. “Promise,” he hisses. “For that is what will keep you human. Promise.”

“But I'm scared, Gaius. I’m scared of losing you,” admits Merlin. “As I have lost so many that I have loved.” Freya, Lancelot, Gwaine… and most painful of all, Arthur. The litany in his head grows long already, a scant three decades into his life. “How many more must I lose?” There’s a pause while Merlin pours a trickle of the dark liquid into Gaius’s mouth, waits for him to swallow. It is such torment to administer relief that will bring death with it. “I don’t want you to go,” he whispers . His voice falters and his eyes blur. “You are like a father to me. How can I love again? Death is so cruel.”

_...destiny. Oh, fickle destiny. How cruel it is, to watch idly as Merlin loves, only to wrench from him all those he holds dear. But between these losses, these painful partings, come rare moments of bright joy. People cling on to those, and call them living..._

“You must! Love others, as I have loved you!” says Gaius. “Look at the joy you have brought me, in my autumn years. Promise!”

Reluctant, Merlin holds his gaze for a moment before shaking his head and looking down at the bed, where Gaius’s hands lie.

“You must,” Gaius insists. “Look at me, Merlin.” Though watery, Gaius’s eyes are pale blue and unwavering. Gaius’s skin is dry and cold under Merlin’s fingers, but still Merlin clings to his hand as a drowning man clutches at a strand of seaweed, in vain hope of a rescue. A sob escapes him, shameful and inexorable. And then another.

“I promise,” he says at last.

There’s a tiny twitch at the corner of Gaius’s mouth but then his hand slackens and his eyes cloud over.

“I promise,” says Merlin again, but this time no-one is there to hear him weep.

_...living. No-one knows more than him about living, although many think they can teach him. Over the centuries, no-one is there to watch him keep his promise. But keep it he does, through war and famine, though the world grows cruel and his back becomes bent and twisted with the growing burden of his losses. Until, one day, a smile that is a precious jewel crowned with bright blond hair kindles the hope that Merlin has nurtured. The seed that Kilgharrah planted and that at Gaius's bidding he kept safe through all the fallow years swells and bursts, filling his heart at last with love..._

“Arthur,” he chokes, and the world bursts into song.

**Author's Note:**

>  _“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no-one can steal”_ ~From an Irish headstone.


End file.
